Caretaking is a tough gig. Especially when you are looking after someone you love. When Blaine was sick I remember trying so hard to stay positive, stay on top of his meds and just get the daily tasks done in addition to helping him with his daily needs. It takes its toll, yet there is nothing you would rather do or no place you would want to be when they need you.
When he passed I was devastated, disappointed and I felt defeated. I was also lost. We humans go through some awful things and yet our ability to heal is incredible. We innately know what we need and our system knows how to move us through. I find it happens in stages and layers. I believe it happens this way so as not to overwhelm us. It makes me think about the saying God does not give us more than we can handle. So consequently, sometimes these emotions and wounds stemming from these traumatic events will come back for deeper healing later on in our journey when we are more able to accept and embrace them. The universe will send us circumstances where we will be shown the next step in our healing.
I am more aware now when this is happening to me. There is a discomfort, a feeling of something being off. I know something is not feeling right and yet often I can’t put my finger on what is causing it. This just happened to me recently and I thought it was worth sharing.
At first I thought the feelings I was encountering were related to so many circumstances and events happening in my life like doing too much, getting too busy and becoming overwhelmed, but as I made adjustments and added in more time for things, the feelings did not resolve. It took a good week or more of quiet inner reflection and energy work to realize what was happening.
It all became clear because someone near and dear to my heart got very, very sick. Even though the illness was not necessarily life threatening, it didn’t matter. I felt the familiar feelings of helplessness. I was reacting to the fact that they were suffering and I could not take that away. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to make everything better. Yet I knew I couldn’t. I knew they would have to go through their own healing journey. Even though I could be supportive, I had no control of the duration or the outcome of this illness. In addition, there was this deep sense of disappointment in myself, the universe and everything else that might contribute to this suffering. The big why questions started to come up again. Why do bad things have to happen to good people? Why can’t we just all be healthy? Why is the universe so cruel? I flipped into a victim mentality and rightfully so. I find those questions are so valid when you are struggling. I think they should be held for as long as they need holding even though there is rarely ever an answer. At one point I even remember thinking if I just didn’t care so much about things and people, I wouldn’t have to be so damn disappointed! I was a little surprised at my thinking but it made me more fully understand why so many people seem to stop caring. Life has dealt them a hand that they just can’t process. It makes perfect sense.
The thing is, life has to be lived. The good, the bad and the downright ugly. It’s hard to think that we will have to face so much adversity in this lifetime. Yet we can’t stop living because of what might be around the corner. My Mom gave me this example. It’s like saying you won’t go on a holiday trip to your favorite destination because you know you won’t want to come back and it will be sad to leave. You can choose to just stay home but how does that make things better? Sure you avoided that disappointment but you also avoided an amazing adventure and experience of a lifetime.
In life, nothing ever stays the same. Everything changes and it is in receiving and embracing the changes that come and allowing ourselves to move gracefully through those ebbs and flows that help us to move through life in a happier and more fulfilled way. Facing our life circumstances and living life to the fullest takes courage and bravery. Resistance causes suffering.
So I am doing my best to let go of my inability to change this situation and I am loving myself through the disappointment and the hurt that needs to heal inside me and at the same time I know that as I do that I become stronger. I take the time to feel the anxiety and pain and cry and I let it all work through me. Once I am ready, I will again start to focus on the future and how I want it to unfold and keep forging on. There will be easier, more comfortable days ahead. Thank you to those around me who continue to support and walk with me as we navigate this crazy thing we call life.
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