Unconventional Christmas

So our Christmas did not go at all the way we planned. Just moments before the kids and I were to board the plane for Comox they cancelled our flight. No explanation. Weather was fine. Just cancelled. 

My mom and dad had known about and had been planning this Christmas for some time. It was my family’s year to get together. Our second Christmas without Blaine. It was going to be the first time my family could all be together for Christmas since 2016. Our dreams were shattered. 

To add insult to injury after our flight was cancelled our luggage took forever to unload and so at one point I look over and my daughter in law is  sitting on the floor by the baggage carousel feeding my 6 month old grandson. I felt like crying and so I did. 

I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mom the bad news and break her heart so my son did. What a mess. I had no choice but to try to  just let it be okay. 

We were all trying to keep our chins up but let’s face it we were bitter. It could always be worse but somehow that doesn’t make it feel any better. 

After a day of skip the dishes and hot tub time for the kids we were off to bed. Christmas Eve came and went. We were all exhausted.

Next morning I was up early and trying to process things and I thought about grief and how it hits and the emotions that surface. There was denial and then sadness and bitterness and everything in between. Angry with the airlines, envious of all those who got safely where they needed to go and just wondering why the hell we couldn’t have the Christmas we planned. 

Well I could say to myself you shouldn’t be mad at the airlines. It’s not their fault. Or I could decide it was their fault. Neither helps. I could also offer myself the sentiment that at least we are all together. Well yes but no not really and that’s not making it all better either. As true as those statements might be, they didn’t help how I was feeling so I had to let those thoughts go. Some might say others had it worse and if we are evaluating they probably did. Again not helpful to compare. All I could do is just affirm  for myself how I got to feel and that was however I flipping wanted. 

It is interesting how knowing how grief works and how even though this grief is on a different scale than losing a spouse there are many similarities. Looking at grief has helped me see how allowing myself my feelings helped me let them go. This time I just allowed myself some time to be pissed off, cry, be bitter and all around frustrated. I let myself eat and drink whatever I wanted and express my bitterness in whatever sarcastic way I wanted (without hurting others) and I allowed myself and my kids  to just be. I was still kind when dealing with people but when I felt safe I let those feelings out. I wrote it in my journal when I went to bed and I wrote some in the morning too. I didn’t beat myself up for any of it. I didn’t let anything anyone else said dictate how I should feel. I just let it rip and whatever wanted to come out just came out in the space I could find to do it. I was at the same time as kind as I could be to myself and others and at the same time grateful for everything that went right. You can be all of those things at once!

It took most of the morning but by lunch time spirits started to lift. We booked new flights for my daughter and her husband to go back home and a second attempt for my son and his family to get out to the Island on the 28th, opened whatever gifts we brought and made plans for Christmas Day. 

I think what was affirmed through this all is not to let anyone diminish your pain. I don’t care what you are upset about, don’t be upset about being upset! Sometimes we don’t think we deserve to feel the way we do and sometimes others try to tell us how we should feel about something. Feel what you need to feel and if anything let others validate and acknowledge you but don’t let them compare or to judge. There is just no need to compare hardships. We all have them and there is no need to feel guilt or shame about how your hardship is worse or better than someone else’s. You feel how you feel and the sooner you let yourself feel that and give yourself the permission and time to process it the better and the sooner you can get back into gratitude and joy. 

The other thing I learned is that we all have experiences that we enjoy and ones we don’t enjoy. We are all just doing the best we can with whatever is before us. 

At the end of the day we made the best we could out of our days. I am super proud of my kids. Again they rallied. Mom and Dad were able to enjoy having us there even though it was a shorter time and some of us were missing. Everyone got where they needed to go and even though we could not all be together and for the time frame we hoped and planned I hope we can look back and smile and tell the stories. There is nothing we can do about the things we cannot control. In the end what matters is the way we handle it and the memories we make. These memories will come up in conversation again and again just like the memories we have of Blaine. They are precious no matter what they are.