It’s been a while since I have sent out a blog post. It is calling me again and so here I am. It’s not that I haven’t been writing…. I have. I journal every night. I am also proud to be a monthly columnist for a newspaper Your West Central Voice. As some of you may know, I have been consolidating my thoughts and my story into a book. As I work through this process I have realized some things that I didn’t know before.
First, I knew that writing a book about my story would be a healing journey for me but I had no idea how deep this healing would go. There is a certain vulnerability in putting down your most intimate thoughts and reading them back to yourself that takes your healing to a whole new level. I have had many a good cry as I pour out my soul into this creation. It is making me internalize my grief in a way I had never expected. The intimacy with myself has deepened. My new relationship with Blaine has been fortified.
Second, I have begun to experience what truly surrendering to the process feels like. It has been scary to think that one day I will publish this. It is also exciting to think that I am getting closer to being an author. The mixture of emotion is sometimes hard to discern. Trying to express all I feel about writing this book in words seems impossible and so I have been forced to just allow the emotion itself without naming it. It is like the process that I am going through knows the way and I am just along for the ride. Once in a while I come up for air and try to make sense of it, but my mind cannot. What am I doing? Is this really a book? Do I really want to put this out into the world? The anxiety takes over and so I just keep on going with the flow and trusting the process. It’s all I can do.
Third, it has me feeling the closing of a chapter in my life. As I get closer to completing the manuscript the emotion is building and releasing more and more. There have been some powerful waves of intense emotion that ebb and flow as I get closer to finishing the first final edit. I am a little surprised at what has been coming forward and yet it is so freeing to let it all go. I have learned so much in the work I do about emotion and allowing and I can see the beauty in leaning into it fully without any reservation. I know when the release is big like this that something amazing is coming on the other side so I just ride the wave. I trust the process and when I need to shore up my faith my divine sends me an earth angel to do just that at exactly the right time. I am so grateful for the support I receive from all of you!
Fourth, words are powerful! Whether spoken or written they are profound. I have been guided to be extra careful about what I think and say lately. Not to get all worried about saying something wrong…there are no mistakes. It is just an awareness. It is all part of our growth. It has been interesting to go through the process of purposely writing down and then saying things out loud that I want to manifest in my life. Something as simple as expressing my deepest thoughts out loud gives me clarity and the autonomy to break free from my resistance to take the next step in this journey.
Finally it puts an exclamation point on the importance of writing for the expression of emotion, reflection and introspection, honoring your loved one, creating a narrative of your journey to see how you have grown, and building connection and support. Even if you don’t consider yourself a writer and you never publish a thing, this is a powerful process to consider. There is something about putting a pen in your hand or a keyboard in front of you and just writing what you are feeling. There is something even more powerful about reading what you wrote back to yourself or sharing it with someone you trust. If you haven’t tried it, maybe it is time. Sending so much love, Angela
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