This past week and into the weekend I started to feel the cooler air that can only mean one thing. Summer is winding down and fall is on its way. For some this time of year is probably welcome. After all the heat in August it can seem like a relief. I know what this time of year used to mean to me. There was always mixed emotion as I said goodbye to the park and the summer fun and started to look towards preparing for a brand new school year. This transition took place in some way, shape or form for over 30 years so it makes sense that my brain has some pretty strong neuron pathways developed for it.
Last year at this time I was only focused on Blaine. I wasn’t worried about a new school year starting or closing up the camper in the park. It was hardly on my radar. This year, as I might have suspected, I had more time to feel into the season.
I decided to head to the park this past weekend. I want to get out there as much as I can now as the warm days are numbered. Since it ended up raining on Friday afternoon I decided to head out Saturday morning. I was happy. I had the 90s dance tunes pumping on the way there and I had my grand dog with me as I am looking after Whitney’s little toy Australian Shepherd until harvest is over. The sun was shining and it felt good after the rain. I read my book and went for walks. This is what I do now. It felt good. Jen and Curtise came out for supper and brought Benson and Lewis. We went for a walk and had a game of Sorry in the camper when things got colder outside. It was a nice evening.
Somewhere into the later morning of the next day I could feel some emotions coming to the surface. I know they were there all along in some capacity and somehow the trees just draw things out of me. There I was just sitting with myself and feeling into what was coming up. What was this? No. Couldn’t be. There it was. Plain as day now. I was grieving my retirement. It amazes me to think that I might get away with grieving the end to my over 30 year career as a teacher and principal. I thought to myself, I handled that pretty well last year. Turns out I didn’t handle it at all. I just put it away. Until now. It’s not that I want to go back to school. That’s not what I was feeling. I loved my job but I really feel like that chapter of my life is over. It was a longing for what was. A longing for the comfort of what I always did. A longing for Blaine to be there supporting me as I organized myself for another year. It was a strange feeling of the need to be leaving the past behind and needing to let go of it but a yearning to go back to what was. A sadness welled up inside me and it wanted to come out. At first I thought it was just a small wave so I rode it out. As I felt into it more it kept coming in layers. It was unfolding layer by layer. It was getting windier and colder at the park so I decided to pack up and head home early afternoon.
I will say that afternoon was as dark as night in my world. It hit me like a tsunami and I had no choice but to just ride it all out as best as I could. There are no words. When you are in the wave of grief there is no hiding and as you experience the depths of it, you even question your sanity. I had been here before and so I knew what to do. I felt it and I acknowledged it. There was some anger, sadness, loneliness and overall helplessness. You want to reach out to someone, anyone and yet something tells you that there is not a damn thing anyone can do or say to help you. It would just be a distraction from what needs your attention. I don’t enjoy these moments but I am learning that they are teaching me. Each one is a kind of experiment. Each time I give in and let go of these emotions, a little part of me heals. After I felt like I had dumped enough I went for a walk and listened to Donna Eden teach about radiant circuits and some key recorded sessions from my healers. It helped me get myself back on track again. I dusted myself off so to speak and went to bed early.
Today it all makes perfect sense that this would happen. The future is never predictable in life. We just think we got things handled and then we get thrown into the fire again. It’s just life. It’s being human. It’s how we learn and grow so I guess we learn to embrace it. Today I have a meeting with a friend and an interview. I feel like I should be able to handle these things today. I know if I am feeling like I can’t then I can always cancel. I know how important it is to address these emotions when they arrive but it’s not in my nature to back out of commitments either. I will likely plow through it all and with any luck over the course of the day this too shall pass. If it doesn’t, well there will be round two then.
I am sure that you can relate to this in some way. All I know is when our energies plummet into sadness or other lower frequencies it is courage that helps us to face those and eventually transform them into love or gratitude. I will feel the love and the gratitude for what was as I bravely step into the unknown one moment at a time with the belief and anticipation that the best is yet to come. That last sentence might have to be my affirmation for this week. That’s it for now. Have a good one!
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