When Blaine passed I just had this burning desire to get everything taken care of that needed to be done. I know that’s not always the case with people but I think it was just my way of keeping the initial shock and sadness from overcoming me and also just my “get this stuff over with so I don’t have to think about it” attitude coming through. I have always been driven to tackle things in this way. It’s like taking a run at a snowbank. Hit it with some speed! Sometimes you get through and sometimes you don’t. I will say there is a lot more to look after than you might realise and even though I took a run at this, it has taken most all of a year to take care of everything and even now there may be little things that will pop up. When we put together all the arrangements for the celebration of life, a part of me wanted to choose the monument at the same time and be finished but it seemed we had been there a long time already and we had a lot of other things to prepare and deal with. After that, it seemed time just marched on and it never seemed like the right time and of course I think I was kinda dreading it too so I procrastinated and put this off until August. Then there were a few other hiccups and next thing I knew it was September. It’s all okay. Clearly I needed the time to process and I took it.
Now as September and fall weather was upon us, it was feeling like a sense of urgency was creeping in. I must deal with this part. I couldn’t just leave his plot unmarked! I have never been one to go visit a grave site much really. That is something others did for comfort. I always believed that their souls aren’t really there anyway so why would I go there? I know, I know, that might not be the best way to look at it. We all have our own beliefs. I know it was just my discomfort with the whole idea of dying and death that made me feel that way. Now it feels different. I have learned some big lessons in the last year about life and death and perhaps the initial shock and sadness have started to thaw and I realized I was ready to get to the task of finding a nice marker for the grave site. Blaine used to help with the cemetery clean up a lot. We had the one in Hillandale that he helped with and of course the Val Marie Cemetery. It was something he felt was important and looking back it’s one of those things I loved him for. It’s something that I can do to honour him to have a suitable marker for him. So let’s just do this. How hard can it be right? Little did I know what might have to be considered in this decision and what my reaction would be.
All I knew going into this task is that we wanted something with a ranch feel. That seemed a given. The kids spotted one at the funeral home when we were planning the celebration of life and so I had an idea. Rick and I sent emails back and forth through the process and at one point I was sent the draft of the design. When I saw it, it took my breath away. Not the design, although it was lovely, but seeing Blaine’s name and imagining it carved in that stone. It somehow just made everything so much more real. Shocking somehow. I know, that doesn’t make any sense. I am very aware he’s gone but for some reason it was like I was seeing things in a new way and it made my heart sink once again.
Loss does weird things to the brain. The brain has trouble with it. There is this book called The Grieving Brain by Mary Francis-O’Connor that I haven’t read yet. It is on my list of books to get to. However I have a friend who has read it and she explained to me that it’s like there are these pathways that all fire along a particular network over and over all the time you're with your person. Sometimes this is for a very long time (like 35 years) and when things change the brain doesn’t know what to do. Some people say they expect their loved one to walk in the door or they go to call them. I didn’t have that so much as I recall but every time I count people for supper or lunch I naturally count myself as two. I still say “we” a lot. Like “we '' have a seasonal spot in Cypress. When I have supper with say Jen and Curtise I sometimes think I need plates for 4. Or in a restaurant the first time with my kids my mind thought of a table for 6 rather than 5. At first when I caught myself doing this I was a little surprised and confused. It may have seemed like I wasn’t accepting the loss or I had lost my mind but I am finding this is quite common for people who have a significant loss. It seems the brain, after running those pathways for so long, automatically goes down that same path and then has to reroute. It will take time to retrace those networks to run in a new path. I equate it to taking the same path to work every day for 30 years and then one day you don’t go to work or you move. Heck Google maps just finally figured out I’m not going to work at Val Marie School! It takes a while to unlearn these things. We are creatures of habit after all. Now that I understand this, I am trying not to let it take me to my knees. I realise it’s just my brain that’s trying to catch up.
Back to the process of choosing the monument. I found out there are multiple things to consider beyond the design of a monument. Do you want both your names put on now or do you want to wait and put your name on later? What size is your plot? Two plots or one? Double or single monument? What if I should someday down the road find another partner? Then what happens? It’s a process of thinking one has to consider. I would like to think if Blaine and I had been together longer we would have had this all set up and decided somehow. Or not. It’s not something we really wanted to talk about that’s for sure. I just interviewed a lovely lady who actually helps people do this type of planning. She had me thinking maybe we all should be considering her services but that is discussion for another blog. My sister in law Betty pointed out some of the things I needed to think through and helped me acquire the information I needed to make the arrangements. I must also mention Rick Schneider made it all so much more bearable. It’s a wonderful thing to have people that are willing to do this kind of compassionate work and do it so well. I doubt there is a better person to walk you through something you know nothing about and allow you to ask the hard questions and guide you as you make those heartfelt decisions. To all those that work with people in their grief this way. Thank you! I think it takes a very special person to be able to work in this field especially when you are dealing with a society and culture that finds the discussion about death, dying and grief very awkward. Thank you! I hope you know how wonderful and special you people truly are.
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