My friend and teacher Adrien Blackwell says that if you stay in the state of comfort you are not growing. When you are nervous about something or down right scared of something and you go ahead and do it anyway, that is where you grow. The saying “Feel Your Fear and Do it Anyway” comes to mind. When you face your fear and indecision and turn it into action and love something really magical and powerful happens.
Is there something you have been wanting to do? Some idea you have and you just can’t get it out of your head? You keep going over it in your mind. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Are you missing out on opportunities because you are just afraid to put yourself out there? Apply for that job? Take the class? Take the test? Do you think that you really aren’t good enough yet? You think you need more practice, more instruction, more skill?
Fear can freeze us in our tracks. This can go on for years. I venture to say maybe even our whole lives. I have always had an underlying fear of putting myself out there in the spotlight and having myself be heard. I remember in our administration meetings having ideas but being too afraid to voice them. I remember trying to blend in in large gatherings because I didn’t want anyone to be singled out. I would have to speak in front of the group and they might not agree with what I say or it might be wrong. When I started my Online Masters Class and had to post to the forum I sat and looked at the submission button for a very long time before I pushed it. I actually had to message my professor. I was ready to quit the whole thing because the thought of putting my answer out there and having the potential of someone criticizing my work was just too much to bear but I did it and I finished my degree.
When I tell people this they are very surprised. I think on the outside maybe I act like I got it together. I was a school principal and I had to speak at graduations and other events. I spoke at a conference once with a friend of mine. I also performed at music festivals, recitals, weddings, funerals and other events. What I realized though is that for each of those events I was very careful to have a script in front of me or I practiced it so much I could almost do it in my sleep and I usually had someone else look it over and make sure it was okay. I made darn sure that it was going to be good before I ever spoke. In the instances where I was not prepared, I often jumbled and bumbled through and often because of my discomfort I would shut down my thinking and say something just to get through and then beat myself up for what I could have said or could have done. If I did screw up somehow, I was mortified! I could barely stand it and Blaine was often the one to help me through those times. He was the one who was always there when I got home, encouraged me, validated what my intentions were and gave me permission to believe in myself again.
I found as I became more comfortable with a group and realized they were there to support me things got a little better. I was learning to get more comfortable with my school community and the group of administrators I worked with but deep down putting me in the situation where I would just freelance a talk about something in front of a group was terrifying. I had to really push myself when meeting someone new. Some people absolutely intimidated me if they were in higher positions in the organizations and even though I wanted to talk to them I was terrified at the same time. I would read any email correspondence over and over making sure everything was just perfect before I sent it. I was sooo afraid to make any mistake.
Since Blaine has passed I have been forced to face many, many fears with what feels like a missing safety net. I retired from my job, so all of my coworkers are gone. I don’t live in the same community anymore and so all the familiar faces are gone. I know if I don’t put myself out there, I will be alone, but putting myself out there is absolutely terrifying in so many ways. I remember the first time I went curling in Maple Creek. I was so happy to have the invite but at the same time absolutely nervous for days before the game. I hadn’t curled for many years and on top of it there wasn’t a soul there that I really knew. I thought I would have a stroke but I made it through. I had to use Blaine’s stick because I couldn’t bend down and throw the rock. It was embarrassing. I did go back and play again and again with different teams meeting different people. It was hard but I did it. I met some really nice people too!
The traveling on my own was terrifying too but something told me I needed to get out there and try it. Going through security was always the worst for me, even when Blaine and I were together I was afraid. Now alone, I fretted about it so much. Those officials terrify me. They can be so stern and I just feel like they are waiting for me to screw up somehow and ready to pounce on me at any moment. I am completely innocent, yet I am afraid! I thought I would faint the first time going through that on my own. I was just sick to the stomach about it but I did it anyway. I had some amazing trips and made some beautiful memories.
Now I have been guided to hold an online summit for grief. I have sent invites to people I don’t know, I have had to learn to run technology I have never seen, I have interviewed people that are experts in their field and their credentials intimidate me. They are amazing people and each time I meet a new one I just can’t believe they would even want to talk with me, little own that they would be willing to tell me their story and that they would support me in putting on an event.
In each of these instances, in the case of this blog and especially with the online summit, my passion outweighed my fear. I realized that in the end there might be an opportunity to help others in my situation. There might be a way to provide for others in my situation, the information, the tools, the resources that I searched for after my loss. I realized that the only thing that could hold me back was my fear. There have been so many times that I have been scared and I have reached out for help. I called Whitney before I sent out the first invite for the summit and told her how scared I was. She helped talk me through. I told my teacher how scared I was doing this. She assured me I would be okay. I told my classmates how afraid I was to do the interviews. We told each other we would do great. I have just found my self sitting in my special place and just breathing through the fear. I ask my angels, my helpers and Blaine for help and I sit quietly and wait for inspiration and answers. I tell them my issues and ask for help. Each time I take a step, I get a little more confident. The fear is still there but now it has turned into more excitement than fear and even though I still get nervous, I realize that on the other side of that fear is the magic and really it’s the journey getting there that is so much fun. In the end you have this amazing experience. I actually have enjoyed meeting so many new people and have learned so much.
I have done a few speaking engagements in the last few weeks. I have more coming up and I am looking forward to them. I don’t have a script anymore. I still get nervous. I speak from my heart and I am actually having fun and enjoying the experience. One of the speakers I interviewed told me it is actually good to be nervous because it means you are not so full of ego! I am so grateful for the opportunities I have been given to face my fears. I do my best to not worry about what others might think or that I will make mistakes. In the end, my intentions are to just be of help and these things I am able to do now give me purpose. I still get nervous and rattled when something happens and I have something new to deal with but then I remember that I am growing. I can only do my best.
If you have something that you want to do I hope this will inspire you to take that next step. Just take one small step in the direction that you need to. Ask for help and inspiration and face the fear and do it anyway! You will be so glad you did. I believe in you!
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