Today is Father’s Day as I write this blog for tomorrow’s posting. I had another blog post in the works but it’s going to get saved for another week because I just felt compelled to write about the interesting set of emotions or lack of emotion that is coming up for me. I am not sure how to feel today. That’s usually a sign I need to explore my feelings and writing is the way I do it so here it goes.
I am so happy to now be a grandmother. Of course Benson Blaine Clement is absolutely perfect in my eyes and in my heart. He is everything I thought he would be and so much more. It is going to be so much fun to watch him grow up. It’s amazing how much you can fall in love, and so quickly!
I can already tell Jen and Curtise will be amazing parents. They are calm and they work together so well. You can tell that the baby is not going to want for anything and they will build a lifetime around this little man just nurturing and helping him grow.
There is a part of me deep down in there that just fills with joy everytime I think of this baby and there is also a part of my heart that breaks at the same time. I know Blaine would have loved this moment. He would have been over the moon excited to see this baby and he would have spent so much time with him. He loved babies and he loved kids. He just intuitively knew how to connect with them. He liked to tease them too. I often watched in awe as he would say things to kids I would have thought would make them so uncomfortable and yet often it was like his honesty and genuineness was appreciated in some way. Instead kids just leaned into that conversation with him and it became a back and forth exchange that ended up being somewhat unforgettable and profound.
Perhaps what I miss the most is our own conversation because I got to enjoy that candid exchange every single day. He would have been making all the grandma jokes for me but also telling me stories he would remember about when our kids were babies. Blaine was also my memory. He had such a good one and so therefore I never really worried about the fact that I couldn’t remember things. He was always there to help me remember. I can imagine us following our grandson together. We would go to this little one’s track and field day, his ball games, his hockey games and enjoy every minute of that time together and just discuss it all at length. Blaine would be offering the little guy advice and showing him things that a grandpa shows their grandchildren. Like how to fix things and how to throw a ball and probably when the little man got older he would have shown him how to make a campfire and I would have had to step in and show him the correct way to do it because Blaine was never a boy scout. Ha!
Another part of me knows that Blaine is here. He watches and he knows all of this. He knows how I am feeling and what I am thinking. I feel his presence as I go about my day like he is watching and smiling that big bright smile and so proud. So very proud of me, of the kids and especially of this baby. The tears stream down my cheeks as I write this because I absolutely know it is true. I just know but still I like confirmation. In a previous blog I wrote about the doves and how they are always singing for me. I could never see them but I could hear them. Since the baby came now I can see the doves everywhere. They are on the road as I drive away from Curtise’s house. They are on my walk perched on the fence or right on the path in front of me. Blaine has his way of confirming that what I feel is real and letting me know he is still here to support me. It is just a very different way that I am still learning to get used to.
At the end of the month it will be 8 months since he has passed. The first few months went by so slowly and painfully. Days felt like weeks and weeks felt like months. Now time is speeding up a bit. As I start to engage back into life again, summer is here and I regain some stamina to be able to do things around the house I find myself getting busier and time going faster. I think about Blaine every day and I am finding that some of the memories can make me smile now. I look fondly back upon what we were able to do together and the totally intimate bond that we shared. I was so fortunate to have loved someone that much and to have had someone love me that much too!
So I have had my little walk into the future I will miss and my walk into the past I do miss and as I write I think I am a little more attuned into how I feel now. I have to embrace it. Each time I do this I know I am taking another step into my healing. Now I need to get up and face another day. I have so many things I want to do that I hardly know where to start. There are grandma things to do, yard work, and a whole lot of clearing and decluttering that needs to happen before the wedding. Blaine was good at providing clarity when I was in a state of overwhelm. Without him here, I am forced to look for some higher guidance from above and take all of this one step at a time. It might just be a day of rest and cuddling the baby. Who knows?
I will take my time this morning setting up my day with intention. Intention for all to take place as it should for the highest good of all of us. That this Father’s Day will be a good one for all the Dads out there and especially my Dad and of course our new Dad too! I will be brave and show up and face the day with anticipation of all the magic and excitement that could come from a day that celebrates all those guys out there on this planet and in heaven that get to call themselves Dad. Happy Father’s Day!
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