Healing in the Hills

Here I sit. It is pouring rain outside and I am listening to the drops hit the roof of my camper. It is warm inside here and dry. I just had a wonderful brisket supper with Blaine’s side of the family. This year little Benson joins the family and everyone is excited to hold him. Everyone takes their turn and I take pictures of everyone. Our niece loves Benson and follows him as he is passed from one to the next around the campsite. It is the most wonderful and joyous occasion to have a new baby in the family. I am overjoyed and so proud to be Benson’s grandma. 

Tonight my mom and dad joined the group and also a good friend who was my school office manager when I was principal. Everyone is welcome. We all bring food and it is an amazing meal. We even had a birthday cake and sang happy birthday to my niece’s friend who came along this year. 

It has been a busy couple of evenings visiting with Blaine’s family. Every year they come back to Cypress Hills to camp together. It has been a tradition ever since I can remember. Blaine and I watched the nieces and nephews grow up this way. Each year we would get to spend a week or two with them. Blaine would tease the kids relentlessly and sometimes a water fight would break out. Blaine was the biggest kid. He would go shopping for the perfect super soaker just for the event. It was the best time of the year. I was always happy to be on summer break and ready to just relax. I would stay in the camper alone a lot of nights because Blaine and the rest of the guys would have to go home for a bit as often there was some haying to do depending on the year. I didn’t mind the alone time but I was always so excited when I hadn’t seen Blaine for a few days and he was coming back up to the park. We really hated to be apart. Blaine loved to spend time with family and visit and tell stories around the campfire. I always looked forward to this every year. I just loved that we had those days. 

I think about those days and how much things can change from year to year. Blaine and I managed to get a seasonal site a few years back so we never had to worry about a site anymore but the rest had to go through the awful procedure of trying to book sites enough for all to get in. I remember the days of waking up in the morning early and being just sick wanting so badly to make sure we got a good site. My niece seems to have mastered it all. She often seems to be able to get multiple sites for the family. Fortunately each year (except for one) the whole family was able to find enough camp spots in Warlodge. 

I have been mulling over this whole situation of being in my happiest place without the one person I loved most to share it with. It is heartbreaking to be sitting here in this big beautiful camper alone with my thoughts. A big lump forms in my throat and the tears start to fall as I look around the empty space. After some time, look out the window at the trees. The rain has stopped now. I can hear the birds chirp as the sun sets. It is so quiet and peaceful. 

This is how I heal. I just sit with all of it. I cry. I write. I allow myself to sit with these thoughts and process them all the way through. There is no other way than through it all. You just cannot get around it. I know this. I also know there will be joy again one day. I will get up one of these mornings and the emotions will have processed through. Sometimes they come back. Sometimes they don’t. Maybe they will come back next year. I can’t be sure. All of the firsts are just hard. It’s not terrifying anymore to be in this place. I just know it has to happen. I don’t feel guilty about it. I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I just know it is what I need. I have absolutely everything I need here to heal in this place. I have my pen and paper and a box of kleenexes and water. You can’t imagine how important the water is!

I thought I would be out here in Cypress hanging out a lot sooner than July 6th. I think there is a variety of reasons why I haven’t. Part of it is I have been on the computer day in and day out preparing for and running the summit. That has been healing for me in itself in its own way. I believe it was meant to happen. I also spent two weeks out at Mom and Dad’s in May/June for my dad’s 80th birthday. I spent some time reorganizing and doing some cleaning in the house after the big old floor incident. I actually am just now getting some of my stamina back from the past year. I really didn’t realize how exhausted and sick I have been and quite frankly it has not been the nicest of camping weather leading up to July. I am guessing that there is a little part of me that was avoiding this time too. It takes a lot of effort and a significant amount of courage to face these things.

I think I have subconsciously chosen to take this whole camping in Cypress thing in stages. I came out in May and just opened up the slides and hooked things up. I did it over two days. Spent a few hours out here on my own each day. Then it's just been super busy for a while and it has given me time to let things sit and allow myself to become okay with the whole idea of being out here without Blaine. It’s like stepping into cold water in a lake or a pool. I can take it one step at a time and just get used to it as I go or I can jump right in and have the water shock the crap out of me. My choice. I feel like these are the ways we choose to move forward. It’s not the nicest thing getting into cold water but often once we get in there and get used to it, it starts to feel better. Sometimes it becomes quite enjoyable. We say to the others “it’s fine once you get in”.  If we really listen to what is going on inside of us we find out we know exactly what we need and how much. We do what feels good to help ourselves feel better. I feel like these moments of sadness are the same thing. I am getting better at “taking my own temperature” so to speak and then making the choice to provide myself exactly what I need to help me through the uncomfortable places. 

I would much prefer to go back to the past where Blaine was here. I would just love to have him join us for another visit around the campfire like we used to. I can wish all I want. The stark and painful reality is it just isn’t going to happen. No one can make it happen and it sucks. A LOT. So I have no choice. I turn my thoughts to the future. It’s either that or be stuck here in my sadness and thoughts of the past forever. What do I want the summers here to look like now? Here I am forcing myself to make that choice again. Forcing myself to do the work to change the thoughts about everything. It is exhausting but I do it anyway. One more time. 

I am looking forward to a morning walk in the trees. I love to send them all the things I need to let go of. I believe they are so happy to take it all and recycle it into something beautiful. Just like they take our carbon dioxide and turn it into oxygen so I believe they can take the darkness and turn it into light, the tears into joy, the fear into love. The trees in the Cypress Hills welcome me back to this place. They know me well. They have been there for all the walks Blaine and I took together, all the walks we took as a family and all the walks I have taken alone in the past and this walk I will take alone in the future. They know all about what I am going through, probably better than I know myself and they are so happy to be here and support me in my grief. They are here for all of us. They always have been. For as long as I can remember, this is the place Blaine’s family has gathered and healed together. This year, as it has been in the past, we will do it again with Blaine looking down on us all and smiling.