In a recent conversation with a new friend it came up about the challenge of being the caregiver and just how excruciating the pain is to be looking after someone when you know that their illness may overcome them. I will admit. I had not been thinking about how painful that was until she reminded me. Looking back now I am reflecting on what it was like and what might have helped me when I was in that place. If you are caring for someone right now, I see you.
It’s hard to describe the devastation I felt when Blaine was diagnosed. The sinking feeling in my heart was so deep and dark and painful. It overwhelmed me to the point that I was just coping at best. I kept going because he needed me. That was all I could do even though it never felt like enough. I will say that even though sometimes we weren’t in the best of situations, looking back now I realize that he knew I was doing my best and I knew he appreciated all my efforts.
I found myself sympathizing and trying to find ways to relieve his discomfort and at the same time I was wishing he would get up more, try more, eat more. I would push him to try this meditation, drink this awful prescribed potassium drink, take this medicine, get up and walk, anything that I thought might help his body fight the cancer. I read about all the different ways you can heal cancer and I would suggest trying different things. Sometimes I would hear about people who went to Mexico to a special clinic and come back healed. Sometimes they didn’t. Sometimes I would read about how someone who took a certain supplement would be healed. Sometimes they wouldn’t. How the hell was I supposed to know what would help? With Covid I didn’t feel like we could just run anywhere and I really thought we had more time for trying other things.
I remember booking appointments with my naturopath and discussing with her. She would make good practical suggestions after looking into his bloodwork and his situation. I would be excited about trying these things only to be shot down by the Pharmacist at the Cancer Center who would tell me that these things would work against the Chemotherapy or that they would thin his blood. I have no idea to this day what was true and what wasn’t. I tried to walk the line between daring to try something and risking making things worse. I lived in a constant state of bewilderment and anxiety about what I should and shouldn’t be doing. Blaine looked to me for advice and guidance and just trusted I would figure out what was best. I tried so hard to live up to the amount of trust he put into me as his caregiver. I felt like I was so alone in it and hardly equipped with what I needed.
As time went on and Blaine became weaker and weaker I continued to up his care and it took its toll on me emotionally. It felt like I was failing. The system was failing. I tried not to give up hope and tried to stay positive. I tried to go out one day a week to attend ladies golf. It was my outing. Even though I was often meeting these ladies for the first time, they were so kind to me and it gave me a little time to free my mind of the constant worry. Although the feeling never completely went away, it was a change and a form of release that was good for me. I never really wanted to leave Blaine even for a couple hours to golf. It was a choice I intuitively made to save myself from a potential mental breakdown. It felt good once I got out. I also would go outside and water my plants every day and work in the yard. Blaine hated to see me go and do these things. He really wanted me by his side all the time. I certainly don’t blame him for that. I think he understood that I needed time to decompress but I think he also understood that all the moments we had left we should be together as difficult as they might be. I got that too but I dare to say much of that time was not the quality time it could have been because I just could not bring myself to feel into it. I was constantly suppressing the emotion. It seemed like if I did start to feel, I would erupt. That would have been my first clue if I had known what I know now that I was holding back the flood gates. Looking back, if I could have understood that giving in to the emotion would have helped me, I maybe would have been able to embrace those moments.
I formed a belief somehow along my life journey that if you just believed in something enough, that you could make anything happen. I thought if Blaine and I could just fully believe that he could heal that he would and if we didn’t believe it enough that somehow it would cause his illness to worsen. Imagine the pressure that put on us. Imagine every time a thought came into my head that he might not make it, I fought that thought and the emotion that came with it tooth and nail. It was a constant battle. What if I had surrendered and accepted that this was in the hands of powers much more knowing and loving and wise? What if I could have realized that what I dreaded hadn’t even happened yet and I was living in a future that did not even yet exist? What if I stopped trying to avoid what I was feeling and just felt it all? What if I would have felt the fear, the anger, the anxiety, the pain and invited it in like a welcome guest? How would that have helped my ability to be present with Blaine? With my kids? Don’t get me wrong. I did my best and I made it through that part of my life as well as I could have with what I knew then. What I am saying is, just knowing and understanding some of the things I know now would have helped.
If I have learned anything about grief, I have learned it is life. Grief is something we all go through in all sorts of ways and a variety of emotions will come up for us over and over. There is no way to get around this. It is part of being human on this earth. What I am here to tell you from experience is what we are feeling is exactly what we need to lean in to. You would think it would make things worse but it does the exact opposite. I encourage you to lean into the emotion and give it the time and space. Write, cry, wail, walk, run, draw, talk out loud, sing, paint, throw soft things and release, release, release… let go, let go, let go. If it's a beautiful sunset or a joyous moment give that all the attention it deserves too! Yeah I know what you might be thinking. The emotions you don't want to deal with come up at very inconvenient times where you don’t want to break down or you don’t think you have time. If it’s not a good time then wait until the first moment you are in a space that you can, but don’t wait too long. There is only one way to feel fully and feel fulfilled in life and that is through feeling and exploring all the emotions. I look back and wish I had lived this way my whole life. Imagine how much richer my experiences would have been if I had allowed myself to feel the full range of my emotions and not held them back? If you are like I was, I feel your suffering and I feel your pain and I am here to tell you there is hope to get through it all. I still catch myself fighting off the lump in my throat from time to time. But I am also very aware that it’s that lump that tells me something needs to be healed. It is a work in progress and I am not doing it alone. You don’t need to either. I just know that putting in the effort to live your life feeling all this life has to offer is worth it. I feel it more every day I do this work. Learn to live in the moment. Don’t judge the moment, just relax and feel into it and all the emotions that come with it. They are a gift to help you heal. Then when you are ready, get up and go on and embrace whatever is next. Embrace the full scope of it all. Experience all life has to offer you without judgment. Live life to the fullest. It truly is a gift.
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