There are several strange things that happen to you as you grieve. Your mind is doing somersaults trying to figure out what the hell happened to your life. It’s a bit of a shock to the human psyche to think that you were with someone for X number of years and then “poof” they are gone and you are supposed to just “keep on keepin on” as the saying goes.
Some of the most troublesome emotions in grief are jealousy and bitterness. We have always been told not to be jealous of anyone. What is the saying? Something about sour grapes. It’s hard to even admit that you could feel that way sometimes. It feels so wrong! I am discovering pretty much anything goes with grief so I am going to go out on a limb and say you are allowed to be jealous and bitter. At least for a while anyway. Let me explain.
So what would I have to be jealous or bitter about? Well probably the most obvious one is that you feel like everyone else has someone and you don’t. It is that simple. Seems childish yes, but everytime you go out and see some couple holding hands, sitting together at a restaurant, even just driving by in a car together it can trigger you and instant jealousy. You start to think to yourself why the heck do they get to have their spouse and I don’t get to have mine? I totally get that there were others who very unfortunately lost their loved ones before I lost mine and I went on with my life with Blaine so others should be able to go on with theirs without my bitterness but it is still very difficult to watch and your first thought is, “Holy crap I am jealous and this is so wrong”. So you feel sad about being alone and double sad because now you also have jealousy. And now you are stuffing it all inside somewhere in shame and that just makes it three times as bad.
Another thing that happens is someone will complain about their spouse. They don’t realize that they are doing it. I did it too. It was just something we did. We would vent to each other about the way they acted or what they would say. Somehow now it seems like gosh I would do anything to be able to be in the position to complain about my husband aggravating me by dropping his coat on the floor or making a mess somewhere.
Another thing that hit me hard was Christmas cards. If I didn’t get one that day then I was sad because I was thinking well people felt bad for me and just probably didn’t want to send me one in case it made me feel worse or they maybe didn’t know my address or maybe they just weren’t sending cards this year. I know I missed sending cards some years. If I did get a card, then I was looking at the happy family in the picture and thinking, well I guess I will never have a family picture with my husband like that again. You can’t win! In fact you start to think wow we didn’t get enough family pictures period! There is not a damn thing you can do about it either. You just have to suck that up because no one can really make that one better. No, photoshop would not make it better.
When you go out for supper or dinner that also hits home. It just so happens at some point you will be a third wheel, a fifth wheel or some odd number. Then they pull an extra chair up to the table for you. Ugggg…. Shove that feeling down in there too. You can’t enjoy a dinner if you are going to pout.
Another big one that happens really early on is just realizing that life is continuing on regardless. People are going to work. They are going to town. They are shopping. They are carrying on with business just like nothing happened. Your world has come to a grinding halt and everyone else on TV, Social Media and all around the world are carrying on like nothing happened. I found I got over that one fairly quickly at first because I had lots of people messaging and calling and texting in the beginning and that helped sort that out but after so many months people get busier and they get doing their own thing and rightly so you don’t hear from them as much. After all, you should be feeling better by then according to social standards and you should be getting on with your life and so you should be fine right? Well, yeah maybe sometimes, but not always and probably not as much as everyone would hope. That is when that old feeling starts creeping back in again. It’s like …. Oh okay.. I see how it is. Don’t worry… I will just be over here… alone. I will be fine.
Blaine’s family has been awesome to support me through all of this. His sisters called I me quite often to check up on me and it was nice to have their kind words of encouragement. I have wonderful nieces and nephews that are very sweet too. His family is all grieving too. It’s just the worst. And just to make it feel just a little worse yet, the connection to that side of the family feels as though it has changed. Sure, they are absolutely still my family. They have been for 35+ years but you can’t help but feel like something is missing and low and behold he is!! There is a family reunion on Blaine’s side this summer. l plan to be there. I would not miss it for the world. I am not going to lie though, it won’t be a walk in the park…for any of us…. even though it is taking place in a park!
Whitney and Sheldon are having a wedding. I am going to have fun dammit! I am determined to enjoy it. Will there be some sadness at some point? I am guessing it might be difficult to avoid a bit of sadness. Same thing with the birth of the grandbaby very soon. Everyone tells me how much I will love being a grandma. I know I am going to love that baby like everything and the day I get to hold that little one will be the greatest thing ever. Tell me there won’t be just a little tear run down my cheek when I read that grandpa Blaine book to the baby. Do you see what grief can do to your brain?
I know this might sound a bit like a rant and a downer. Maybe that’s kind of what it is. Here is the thing though. I gotta deal with all this jealousy and bitterness and I think if you ask anyone you know that is grieving a spouse they will tell you that what I am describing here is not far off the mark of normal grieving behavior. Like it or not, this is part of the grief. It is just one of the reasons why life can be so exhausting when you are grieving. I mean let’s face it. Who wants to get out of bed and face all that?
So what do I do? Two things. First of all, I have to acknowledge that this is how I feel. I can’t hide all that. It’s not good for me and it’s not even good for anyone else. After all, they have no idea how I am feeling. How else would anyone ever know how I feel? Thus the blog. As time has gone on I have been doing some reading and asking good questions of some very knowledgeable people and trying my best to change the thoughts so I can quit feeling like a schmuck. Do I have a right to feel this way? Yup I think so. Do I want to feel this way forever? Nope.
Secondly, when I go to bed at night I write in my gratitude journal. I never ever, ever miss it. No matter what. It is a ritual. I write three things I am grateful for, my favorite part of my day and one thing that I did that day that was kind. At the end of the week I write down my favorite part of the week. This keeps me focused on what is good and it helps me be in a positive frame of mind when my head hits the pillow at night. Even on the very worst day of my life I wrote things I was grateful for. I also have a diary where I write what happened that day and another journal where I write my most intimate thoughts. No matter how friggin nuts they might seem. Crazier the better actually. It’s just become my thing.
You know what I discovered through this process? People are what is important. What?! The people really are what make your day better. Even the neighbor next door coming over when you are out in your yard to see how you are doing can be the highlight of your day. Or the lady that smiled at you when you picked up your mail. It’s true! I also found it fun to pay for the person behind you in the drive thru or go visit or just text a friend.
It seems like a person has to have something tragic happen to them to get their head out of the sand and realize what is important in life. It’s okay. It is just the way we are wired as humans. Sometimes we won’t recognize the true importance of someone or something until it is taken away. So if no one has told you today, you matter. I am so happy you are in my life. I am grateful that you read this far in my blog. You make all the difference, not only in my life but in the lives of all the people around you.
I am pretty certain as I figure out my new life and find my passion and purpose the little jealous moments and bitterness will subside. I certainly have a lot to be thankful for, many wonderful people in my life that I love, and I truly, truly wish everyone the best. With a heart full of love, there is no room for sour grapes.
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