One of the things that I knew right away after Blaine passed is that I wanted to travel. I felt deep down a calling to go see what was out there. Call it running away if you like. It is hard to pinpoint one thing that makes me so hell bent on getting away but it is a strong desire. Blaine and I always just loved travelling. It was one of our most favourite things to do together. I sometimes feel guilty that I didn’t retire sooner so we could have taken the trip across Canada in the motor home together like he wanted to do. These things we just can’t get back. We think we have time. I know that we were very fortunate to do the travelling that we did in 35 years and I should be so grateful. It is still a hard lump to swallow travelling without him because I feel like there was so much more we would have done together. I am fortunate that my friends and family not only have supported me but have gone out of their way to help me with my desire to travel.
My first adventure was going back home to Val Marie in November. I remember the morning I was to leave home lying there and just procrastinating. I really wanted to go but a part of me was just sad. I just kept dozing off not wanting to face the day just yet. Then there was a voice. A voice that yanked me out of my slumber. I swear to this day it was Blaine that yelled out my name, “Ang!” It startled me enough and it spurred me on to face what I needed to face. The highlights of that trip were spending time visiting family and friends and walking the Labyrinth which by the way also was part of a bigger plan. There was no doubt that that trip was divinely guided and my husband was there with me all the way, clearing a path for me and giving me strength. I can never thank my friends and family enough for welcoming me back home and giving me the space to just be and supporting me through all of it. You know who you are, thank you!
After a second trip home for a special Christmas at the Waldners' I ventured out to mom and dad’s. It was the first time flying alone. All the firsts seem so monumental when you lose someone. I was fortunate to have family take me to the plane, family picking me up at the airport and support all the way through. It was a quiet time to reflect. I was pampered by my parents and I got time to spend with my brother and his partner and the two boys. It was there that I officially booked the flights to venture to Arizona.
My aunt and uncle happen to have a place in Mesa where they go every winter and they so graciously invited me to come and stay with them. They provided me a space to just be myself and they took me out and showed me the beautiful parts of Arizona. My cousin took me to the University and I got to see one of his lectures. Blaine talked a lot about us spending our winters in Arizona when I retired, but I was never that sure that I would like it there. You see, I love trees and Arizona to me was always a bit of a dessert so how could that be a nice place to visit? Well I got my eyes opened to a beauty that could only be appreciated by seeing it. I also planned a week getaway in Sedona. My Aunt and Uncle drove me there. I rented a car and spent a week at Sky Ranch Lodge on my own. I am not going to lie. I was scared. I had never rented a car, let alone drove it around a strange city. I spent 4 days with an organisation called Spirit Quest. Each day I had several one on one sessions with healers of all different modalities. The experience was transformative. It was hard to face some of the emotions that came up in those sessions but it was good healing and learning too. I took time to venture out on my own as well and experience hiking the airport loop, visiting the Stupa and just driving out of town and seeing what I might find out in the beautiful hills of Sedona.
The most recent trip I made was a River Cruise down the Rhine with my mom. The ship was booked by Donna Eden and David Feinstein. If you are not familiar with them, Donna teaches Energy Medicine and David focuses on Energy Psychology and Tapping. They are simply amazing people and for myself and mom this was a trip of a lifetime. I cannot tell you what it meant to be able to meet these people in person. Donna even gave me a hug when we were lined up to get omelettes for breakfast. We learned so much from them but also we met so many other great healers as well. There were just over 100 on the ship. We made several connections and even though I went into this trip with some health issues I walked off the ship feeling better than ever. We also connected with some friends in Switzerland and they showed us wonderful hospitality and many things we never would have experienced otherwise. The whole trip was a huge success.
As you might expect though, all this wonderful travelling did not come without some struggle. There were times where I would get triggered by something and just cry. I would have to use what I have learned to gather myself back together. On top of that, each time I came home I got sick. I am talking about physically ill; stomach issues, dizzy spells, nausea, gall bladder issues and this last time, covid. I have been seeing a doctor, energy healers and a naturopath but if we really want to get to the bottom of these issues I believe we have to look at the root. To be perfectly honest, each time I think about walking back in the door of this beautiful home, I also feel the loneliness and the memories of Blaine being sick. It has been one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with and trying to heal it is proving to be quite challenging. I am pretty certain exploring my many varied emotions will help. Perhaps just not rushing or fighting it or trying too hard will be key. I am just not sure. I can only trust that one day I will feel more joyful here on my own in my home. I am missing my best friend right now and so I am working on the only solution I know. That is becoming my own best friend and let’s face it I am not too sure just yet who that person really is without Blaine. I feel like it’s a journey of discovering my own true self and learning to love and appreciate myself as I am. I am pretty sure this journey back to myself will be quite significant in my overall healing and one day will have to have its very own post or maybe even a few!
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