This past weekend I decided to go out to our seasonal spot in Cypress Hills and open up the camper and start to set up for summer. I have been anxious to get out to our spot. I find it to be the most healing place in the world. It is as if the trees are calling to me like a long lost friend. The trees don’t worry about what has happened or what state I am in. They are just welcoming me as I am. Before I retired, I would spend every summer holiday soaking up the beauty in the trees. It was the way I would recharge after a long school year. It was the absolute highlight of my entire year. It was so exciting for me and when I was feeling tired at the end of a long school year I would just dream of getting to the park and letting everything go and relaxing. That’s what got me through.
I have never set up the camper without Blaine. He always was the one to hook up the power, water and sewer. I would always help him but I never really had to worry about knowing a bunch about it because he just told me what to do. It was kind of his thing and I was more into just getting the inside of the camper ready and putting the slides out. It’s funny how when you are married 35 years you just have your jobs. You each just grow together and have your own things. You just know what the other is thinking and there is so much comfort in just having those roles down so well. You don’t even think about it because it is just automatic.
Here I am kinda knowing what I needed to do but not really. I am learning that the only way to learn these things is just to try doing them and see what happens. I was a little nervous about it but I knew that even if I couldn’t figure something out it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I would just go back home fifteen miles. No big deal. There was something inside of me that is a little stubborn and independent though and probably would have been very dissatisfied if I was unable to at least get most of it done myself.
As I am driving there, I am very aware of what I am feeling inside. I have learned to pay attention to what is happening inside there. I don’t go looking for stuff or try to make myself feel sad but I am very aware when something is coming up and I am pretty quick to let it out, especially if I am alone. As I started out of town I felt the sadness welling up because for a minute I just thought he should be there beside me. I know he is always with me but not seeing him sometimes I forget. I have learned to keep Kleenexes everywhere, including the car. I am starting to get used to things being this way. I am not saying I always like it but I think my mind is starting to accept that this is the way it is now and maybe learning to relax into it and know it’s okay. What I felt out in the park is hard to explain. I am happy to be in the trees and enjoying the space and there is a sense of peace that is falling over me as I move into my space. As I look around everything is familiar and yet at the same time nothing is feeling the same. You can probably imagine why. First of all I am there alone. I never would open the site up alone and I am constantly trying to adjust to the fact that Blaine is not physically here with me. Second, there is no excitement about school being done for the year and me looking forward to a summer long vacation. But maybe more than anything I miss Blaine’s excitement. He too loved coming out to the park and he knew how important it was to me. He was the one that signed us up for the seasonal site. I never would have done it myself. He knew what I needed and he never thought twice about it. Sometimes I think he knew me better than I knew myself.
One thing I am doing my best to try to learn is to just be with myself and to start to enjoy the alone time again. I used to love my alone time. When you are a wife and a mom and have a full time job with lots of extra things going on there is never much alone time. I remember how I cherished a night or a day in the house alone. I would shut off the TV that always seemed to be blaring and just sit in the quiet and thought about all the things I wanted to do at that time. Things I had been longing to have time to do. It always felt good to me. Now I have all kinds of alone time and I have to figure out what I want to do with it. Camping in Cypress is one of those things that I really want to do in my alone time. It is one of those things I will do for me because one of the best ways I know to heal is to spend time in those hills. It will be an adjustment and I will have to be patient with myself but I believe it is a medicine like no other for my grief.
I think what this all boils down to and what we all need to consider in life no matter who we are or our circumstances is that we need to learn to figure out how to fill ourselves up with love first. How do we do that? I read somewhere that we need to make ourselves a priority. It’s not selfish because if we fill ourselves up with love it will pour out to others around us. We need to figure out what lights us up and make time for that. We need to treat ourselves like we would a best friend. What would my best friend say to me right now? Well probably things like “You are doing good, Angela. I am proud of you. Just be patient with yourself and take your time. I know it’s hard but I am always here for you. What do you need now? I will help you with that.” I don’t think many of us really know how to self-love and really make ourselves a priority. I know I didn’t. I am not sure we always talk to ourselves like that. I know I didn’t. I am still learning, but I think it is so important for my healing. I am missing my husband and I have to be patient as I work through that but if I don’t make a conscious choice to take responsibility for my own feelings of pain, joy, worth and security I will likely just be constantly looking for something or someone else to take away the pain and make me feel better. I don’t believe time magically heals all wounds. I think time helps but we still have to be active participants in the process. The sooner I can learn to take care of myself, and maybe more importantly just trust and allow this process to happen without worrying about an expectation or a timeline and simply get to know myself again I will rediscover the things that bring true happiness and start to feel better in this moment. What comfort it would bring to just know I am able to always count on me and to know I will always show up for me. So I will spend some time with those big old pine trees. I will soak up some of that sun and I will enjoy just being with me. And while I am alone with myself I will do my best to just relax, remember who I am and think about my purpose here on this earth and how blessed I really am to have loved this much and to experience this beautiful place.
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