As I reflect today on my grief I think about all that has happened and I almost can’t believe how much has transpired in just over a year since Blaine left this world. I was thinking it is almost as though I am living another life now and that made me think about one of the things that I read in that article I always refer to written by Shawn Doyle, 4 Ways to Be Happy Again After Losing a Loved One. The article changed my perspective and gave me hope to carry on in my grief. He writes, “You had a life with the person that you lost (we call that life number one) and now you have a new life without that person (we call that life number two) and you get to decide what you want that life to be.” I think this was a real turning point in my grief. I realized that there was hope to live life again. Not the same as what it was of course but brand new. I knew I needed to reinvent myself and create a new life. I had no idea what that might look like but I did not see myself sitting at home and grieving forever either. Going back to what had been was not an option. Even with the pain, deep down I knew I had to find my life purpose and start to live it somehow. So I thought back about how this all happened.
I believe my journey truly started when I started to write in gratitude. I didn’t know it then but looking back it makes all kinds of sense that it started there. Blaine was diagnosed in January of 2021. On April 7, 2021 we moved to Maple Creek to be closer to a hospital and our kids. I was searching for answers on how I might help Blaine fight his cancer and I came across a book by Kristie Anne Mah called “The Day the Cancer Quit”. I could barely read any of the book at the time. For me it was like watching a movie with my eyes closed because it simply was just too close to home for me to bear the details but it came with a journal entitled Gratitude for Life and claimed I just needed 5 minutes a day to kick-start complete transformation. My first entry into that journal was on May 28th, 2021, four months after my husband was diagnosed. The journal became my constant reminder to be grateful. It prompted me to write 3 things I was grateful for, a favorite moment of my day and how I shared kindness each day. At the end of each week there was a Highlight reel where I was to write my favorite moment of the week. It also included something called a Task from the Heart every so often that would prompt me to do things like write a letter to someone special in my life or create and deliver a care package to a neighbor. I really took this seriously. Even the day Blaine passed I wrote in that journal. As I was writing this today I looked back into my entries and tears came to my eyes when I realized how grateful I was for so many things through that incredibly challenging time! I also felt all the beautiful ways my friends and family showed up when I needed them most. All the days following for a full year I wrote every night in that journal and when it was complete I just got another plain note book and kept going. At one point sometime after Blaine passed I started to write out the events from the day in a notebook. Eventually I added another where I wrote out all the feelings and emotions that were coming up for me, little synchronicities and signs that I received from Blaine and I kept track of my dreams. I wrote until I was tired at night and so I think that is why I never had trouble falling asleep.
Now I know not everyone is interested in writing but perhaps just speaking your gratitude out loud would be just as effective. I have heard it takes 21 days to build a habit. What if it made a difference in your life? If I look back on the past year and a half since I started writing in that journal, I would have to say my life was transformed. Now did the gratitude journal really transform my life? Well I really don’t know for sure. Maybe not all by itself but I would say it certainly was a big part of it. I didn’t even realize what an impact it was having on my life because it had become such a part of my routine I never gave it a second thought until now. Crazy hey? So I challenge you to try a gratitude journal for 21 days and let me know if it helps. Also I know that some of you probably already do this. I know gratitude isn’t something new but it might be something we take for granted. Let me know how it has changed your life. I would be so happy to hear from you.
My second life has most certainly begun whether I was ready or not. It is still strange and unfamiliar to wake up each day without having Blaine beside me in his physical form but each day that I make my way into this new life and embrace my future by living my life each day as it comes, I become more comfortable with life number two. Don’t get me wrong. I will always look fondly back on life number one with such gratitude and love. I will never EVER forget it! How could I forget something so amazing? Blaine loved me and truly only ever wanted for me to be happy and he still shows me signs every day that he is with me guiding me and cheering me on. Love never dies. So I will also look forward with gratitude, excitement and hope as I step into my new life in the unknown because after living life number one with my best friend Blaine as my husband I know exactly how great a life well lived can be! He showed me how to live life to the fullest every day and I plan to take his lead and live a life number two that will make him so very proud.
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