Mother’s Day was one of those holiday firsts for me this year that people talk about. I had no idea. I actually thought it would be okay. After all, I survived Christmas and Easter okay. Each holiday is different now. It is like I have no idea how to celebrate these things because it is so different without Blaine. I spent Easter day with the kids. It was just us. It was different but it was nice. We made our way through it alright and I think we did a pretty darn good job of entertaining ourselves by playing games, walking the dogs, watching movies and eating of course!
So back to Mother’s Day. This one hit me a lot harder. I remember Blaine used to jokingly say, “Every day is Mother’s Day”. I would groan and he would give me the grin. He loved to joke about things like that. The thing is, he always found a way to make my Mother’s Day special. Sometimes I would get flowers, maybe a little bundle of crocuses which were my favourite, sometimes he would make a special supper, sometimes we would go out for supper and the kids would be there and we were all together. I fondly remember our friends going out to the hotel for wings or a Mother’s Day buffet and all of us being together and laughing and enjoying each other’s company and then Blaine and I would go home full and happy and discussing all the evening’s events. I always thought it was nice to get a special day. I don’t think I really realized how important that was for me and how I enjoyed the special attention I got from him. I am surprised by how hard this wave hit me. My mind keeps going back to how it used to be, what I am missing and so from there arises all the pain.
Being a mother is not an easy job. My mother always said, “You are only as happy as your saddest kid.” It is so true. My kids have always been pretty easy going and happy. They had their moments but overall they have had pretty good lives and I haven’t had to worry about them too much. This past year has been the worst though as you can probably only imagine. Watching Blaine go through Cancer treatments was bad enough. Watching Whitney as she was doing her best to support Sheldon and he went through treatments at the same time was too much. I look back and wonder what the heck?! When you are in the thick of it all you don’t really process the magnitude of it. You are in some sort of survival mode and you just go through the motions to get by. Watching my kids say goodbye to their dad gutted me. I am glad they had the opportunity to do it. They did a beautiful job. I am sure it helped them heal in some ways but still it was the most gut wrenching thing this mom has ever seen or ever wants to see again.
I think about my mom watching all of us going through this ridiculous journey. What a bloody nightmare! Somehow she has been able to support. She stayed with me after Blaine left. We talk on the phone almost every day and she listens to me as I try to figure out what on earth I am doing and who the heck I am right now. She even so graciously agreed to a trip to Europe!
Going through all I have had to go through in the last year as a mom, I got to see something pretty awesome too. I got to see the amazing young adults my kids have become. They have never wavered through all of this insanity. They were there when we had to put our dear Patches down and I could not bear it. They entertained each other over the summer as we all navigated the cancer treatments and hospital visits. They cooked for me and supported me in more ways than I probably even remember. They help me with whatever I need them to and they continue to support me as I navigate my way through the grief while at the same time going through their own. They even put up with my “witchiness” (which by the way is what they call my energy healing stuff) and they may even be reading my blog. Ha! I am forever grateful for them and so very very proud of all of them. I know Blaine is staying close, watching over them and very proud too. He felt like he was every bit as much a dad to Jen and Sheldon as he was to his own kids. He loved them just like his own. Deep down I feel like Blaine and I actually had four kids instead of two. Soon Jen will be a mom. Jen put a little book together that we can all read to the baby called Grandpa Blaine. What a wonderful way for the baby to know grandpa.
So Mother’s Day has come and gone. It was a tough one. I am not going to lie. I had a significant amount of processing to do and it still feels raw. There has been a tsunami of sadness and anger that has surfaced. I got through the day okay with the help of my kids and some very good friends and I ended it with some self care. I am very much learning as I navigate through this that I have to somehow figure out how to best take care of number one. A mom that doesn’t look after herself cannot possibly have anything to give to her kids or anyone else for that matter. There is a balance and I know it is off right now. With patience and persistence and effort I will ride out this wave. To all the mothers out there, I hope your Mother’s Day was a good one. You deserve it! If not, well you have permission to have a do over because as Blaine always said every day is Mother’s Day. Until next week…..
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