School was my life. After all, I went to school from the time I was five years old until I was 53. After grade school I attended university and after university I became a teacher and even after I became a teacher I studied online as I taught and completed two Masters Degrees in Education. I even have been lovingly tagged with the title of “School Marm” from a certain family member. All I have ever known is school.
Blaine did not have an easy time in school. He found it hard back then. I dare to say they did not have what Blaine needed to be successful in school. It is a sad thing when children do not succeed in the traditional school system. It damages their self esteem and causes life long insecurities. No one is perfect and I believe we all are doing our best but there is a lot that can be damaged in those formative years. Blaine had a brilliant mind for solving problems. We saw it time and time again on the ranch. He also was a clever communicator and had great wit. He never saw himself as a learner in the traditional sense and he was so nervous about ever having to take an exam or put himself in a situation where he might have to write. It didn’t matter how much I assured him that he could learn, that anxiety stayed with him and it held him back in many situations. It is too bad because he would have made an amazing teacher/coach himself. Just ask the kids who got to have him as a chaperone on the school field trips or the ones that got to have him as their curling coach. He easily built a rapport with them and he absolutely enjoyed every minute he was with them.
Some days being at school was just hard for me. Blaine was always cheering me on. He would always be there when I arrived home in whatever state I might be in. I remember once just riding the tractor with him for a whole day as we talked about what I might need to do to manage my life and the crazy pace at which I was running each day. Sometimes my office manager would text Blaine and give him the heads up that maybe he should put some wine in the fridge! It was all in fun and that is how we got through those hard times. We would have a good discussion and sometimes a good laugh. He was my counselor and my life coach. He often told me I needed to slow down, take a break and be a “normal wife”. He encouraged me to get away. We would go to the spa in Moose Jaw or just go shopping in Medicine Hat and spend the night. We were very fortunate that we got to go on a few hot holidays together as well. When he sold the ranch he wanted me to retire too but he also respected the fact that I just didn’t feel ready. I was having fun with the kids and I knew I would miss them and the staff. I still wish sometimes that I would have listened to him and retired sooner just so I could have spent more time with him. Time was cut much shorter than I ever expected. I am thankful that I had those summer holidays, Christmas, Easter and February breaks to spend with him. Those times I now can look back on and be forever grateful for. These holidays now are much more difficult to enjoy without him here. They are so different. What I am realizing though is that each holiday I am making new memories. What do I want them to be?
After Blaine was diagnosed, I left the school. There was no time to think about what I was missing or to worry about all the students and staff and the administration role I had so attached myself to. I started to focus on what I could do for Blaine and how I should help myself manage the huge range of emotion that I was being bombarded with on a daily basis. I started to dive more into self help webinars, summits, short classes and whatever reading I could find that I hoped would help me through. The emotions were piling up and the faster they would build the more I would dive into the world of energy healing and spiritual growth. It was all I knew how to do. Just read, listen and learn as much as I could.
You discover a lot of things about yourself when you decide to do a deep dive into your spiritual growth. One of the things I discovered is some of the scars that I had in school. Healing the inner child is something I knew very little about before my study but as time went on I have begun to learn the importance of going back and examining these things and seeing what a profound effect they can have on your life and how healing them can make a big difference in your future. I started to recall incidents from my younger school days where I was shamed, humiliated and put into a state of perpetual insecurity, second guessing my ability and fearing to speak my ideas. One such incident was when I was in grade four. We had just moved to Shaunavon and everything was new to me. I was asked to spell a word on the board. I don’t remember what word it was or how I spelled it but it must have been wrong. I remember the teacher saying to me as I stood in front of the class, “I don’t know how you spell where you came from but here we spell it like this.” I was devastated. As time went on and I was put into circumstances where I was expected to express myself through music or speak in front of people I did begin to gather more confidence but the feeling of fear of standing in front of a group and perhaps getting something wrong never left me and to this day I am working hard to heal this. In fact this blog is part of that journey.
What I can tell you from my work is that we are never too old to learn and never too old to heal those wounds. I believe that life is a journey of learning and growth here in this earth school. Blaine’s diagnosis and his passing catapulted me into a new kind of curriculum. In this life circumstance I am learning about Angela without Blaine. Who is she? What are her strengths? What makes her light shine? It is a journey of self discovery that helps me to grow despite all that has happened. The loss and grief I am experiencing is challenging me every day. I am learning more about grief and how it can help me to heal. I am searching, adapting and struggling. This emotional stress and struggle helps to build my emotional strength. Some days I feel like I am failing this test, that the content is just too difficult for me. Some days I look back and cannot believe how much my life has changed in such a short time with the support I get from above and here on earth. I cannot tell you what it has meant to have so many of you send messages and provide your thoughts on my blog posts which have become little “assignments'' to help me heal my pain. As a student, it is always nice to have feedback and encouragement. This journey often feels very lonely without Blaine to physically greet me at the end of the day and talk me through all the challenges like he did at the end of my school days in Val Marie. It is comforting to have many of you walking alongside me each week. Your messages of encouragement and love help to fill the hole in my heart. Please know you are a welcome part of my journey, my angels here on earth and I am forever grateful.
댓글