Rejection

When I met Blaine I was coming off some rejection and bullying. I moved to a new school in grade 9. I found high school really tough. I was a shy kid and I found myself struggling to make new friends. A few incidents in elementary school and perhaps also just in life in general were key in convincing myself that I was not good enough. I just knew in my mind that I had some flaws and that perhaps I was just not worthy in everyone’s eyes. My time in high school seemed to just amplify those feelings. The tough thing for kids that feel they are not good enough is that they project themselves into the world as just that. Other kids that maybe are hurting inside find themselves with an opportunity to dominate over others.There are probably other reasons why I was in this situation but that one seems most logical to me in my mind. 

This is not to say that I was rejected or bullied by all the students in my high school but I felt like some of the students in my school were somewhat fearful of the outcome if they associated with me. If they did try to befriend me I would always be a little wary of their kindness and never sure if I could trust their actions. This is a hard way to live. High school was a tough ride for me. I had one amazing principal that connected with me and kept me from what I believe could have been some serious mental health issues. He had lots of time for me and was a key person in helping me to get through many of those tough days. I was very anxious to get out of there. Even though I had made some good friends along the way, high school was not a comfortable place for me.

I remember when I met Blaine. It is a funny story. My dad had said something along the lines of how I should stay away from those cowboys in Val Marie. They were up to no good. My dad spent part of his living near Val Marie as his family had moved there. My grandpa took work on a ranch near Val Marie and Dad knew the rough and tumble ways of that part of the world. Val Marie had that reputation. Even when I started teaching school there I realized many teachers had a preconceived notion about the area being rough and tough like the Wild West kind of feel. Hee hee! When my friend heard that my dad had discouraged my going there she decided that we must take in a dance in Val Marie. I guess she figured I needed to see the place and make up my own mind about it, so away we went. It was a little before Christmas if I remember correctly. I was shy but I went along with the whole thing anyway. My friend was introducing me to the boys she knew and I remember Blaine was sitting on the counter at the community hall. He probably was quite comfortable there because his family ran the show hall for many years. As she introduced us he fell backwards over the back of the counter! I don’t remember seeing him much after that but somehow we ended up together after my graduation and the rest is history. 

I think about how much he supported me through my transition to University. He never discouraged me, in fact he drove up to Saskatoon many weekends, getting home really late sometimes in the wee hours of the Monday morning. I think back about how unsafe that was and how his parents must have worried and wondered what the heck he was doing. I don’t remember him ever complaining about it though. He let me use his Camero when my car was out of commission and he just made things in general easier for me. After we married, he would spend winters up there. One year he took a job at Canada packers. He was willing to put himself out there to be with me. I started to learn to trust in my own abilities and with the encouragement of my family, Blaine and a very strong inner desire to become a teacher, I made it through university. 

I think fear of rejection is probably normal for most of us at some point in our lives. Being rejected is likely something that happens to all of us at some point and it is hard on the confidence. I had really developed a big fear of speaking up for myself for fear of rejection.

When I got out of university there were two job openings. There was one in Cadillac and one in Aneroid. I remember Blaine telling me that I had to tell the director at the time that I wanted the one in Cadillac because it was so much closer for driving and I remember being afraid to say anything because it might jeopardize me getting a job at all. The interview was in Simmie. I am thinking they wanted to fill that position first. He was insistent that I speak up for myself regardless of whether it would affect the outcome of me getting a job or not. I guess I must have valued his opinion enough because I remember saying in the interview in Simmie that I would prefer the job in Cadillac. Needless to say it worked. That was just the beginning of a lifetime of trusting and valuing what Blaine had to say. I didn’t always take his advice but I always valued it because he was able to see in me things that I could not see in myself. As I moved through my school years there were lots of incidents where I was turned down, afraid to speak up or where as a principal I had to make tough decisions that would make me unpopular. It was never easy but I always had that support when I got home. It was a very big part of what got me through.

That is how beautiful a relationship can be. He helped me through a lot of tough situations as we moved through our marriage together and I did my best to help him through his insecurities as well. We complemented each other and we did well together. Losing him has made me realize a lot of things about myself that I had not previously considered. I am looking back and learning things all the time about how I relied on him for so many things. 

I am trying new things now, making mistakes, taking risks and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. It is tough. Lots of times I would much rather go back to the days where I didn’t have to worry about finding my way around the cities, looking after contractors fixing the house or just doing things alone in general. All the decisions now are mine to make. Sure I have my family to lean on and that is a lifesaver but ultimately I must make a decision for myself, advocate for myself and I am just so not used to doing that. 

If there is any gift in this loss it is that it is making me become my own person and much more independent. I am learning to understand how strong I can be without him and that I will survive. I miss him everyday and yet his essence is still here somehow guiding me, supporting me, cheering me on as I make each decision. When I mess up now I try to give myself a break. I can see him up there smirking and laughing with me the way he did when he was here.  I am not perfect but then again I realize neither is anyone else. We are all just human. There is no need to criticize ourselves when we are doing the best we can.

No one can deny that this is a tough road to be on. Sometimes it’s a little lonely. I know there might be rejections down the road. Not everything can work out perfectly but I know I have to speak up for me. I have to know I am worth it and respect myself enough to demand respect from others in a loving way. It is a work in progress. Boy is it ever a work in progress!