It has been 14 months since my best friend and love of my life left. Lately I have been finding that the waves of grief come much less frequently and with less intensity. It has been a welcome relief.
I have written and spoke ceaselessly about taking time to go within and becoming aware of feelings and emotions. I had such an amazing day the other day. I was on fire. Getting things done and feeling like I had everything under control. As the week went on I started feeling the need to release some what felt like stuck energy and even though I was feeling into it I wasn’t sure what it was.
Now the frustrating part in this process is once you start to realize your energy is low then it’s trying to figure out why you are feeling crappy energy. It’s a little like waiting for a pimple to be ready to be popped. I know that is kind of a gross analogy but that is what came to me. You know something is brewing and it is annoying and does not feel good but you just can’t put your finger on it and you know there is nothing you can do for it until it is ready to reveal itself. Often when it does, it is one of those moments where you just have to think, duh….. It really took me that long to figure it out? I think it’s like anything else. We figure this out with practise.
At one point I became frustrated and had enough of the nagging discomfort and I started to search for the root of the issue. This particular morning I woke up with what had been off and on a three day headache and I knew something was up. I started to go within to investigate. For me it’s just about sitting still in silence. I also try some energy routines, draw some oracle cards, journal and sometimes I do a little yoga session. Sometimes it takes a while for the answer to come. I decided to make myself lunch and a few bites in it suddenly hit me. I had a clear idea about what was going to happen. There was no denying what I had been avoiding.
Now it’s interesting and probably not surprising looking back there were definitely clues that this was brewing. One big one that I recall was when one of my followers asked me for advice on how to go about letting go of our loved one’s things. When I answered her question, I was very honest, I told her that I was letting go of Blaine’s things slowly. And I have been. I had a bag in the closet and I would put things in from time to time and I believe I have over the past 8 months let go of two or three garbage bags of clothes… mine and his. They were mostly things that he didn’t wear much. Things he wore when he lost all the weight from being sick. I took them to the Salvation Army. I felt good about that. They would go to those who needed them. This Christmas I made little ornaments out of Blaine’s clothing for each of his siblings and my family. This was just part of my plan. I was going to take some of his clothes, make some stuff and then let the rest go. So I thought I had it covered. Well not exactly. You see I have always been one to face my grief head on. I have taken the approach to just meet the pain where it is and feel it until it releases. The past year has been my challenge to meet all of this grief head on. No matter how much it hurt I would just take a run at the wave and let it wash over me until it was gone and then enjoy the relief and the joy until the next. Interesting how this particular item of releasing Blaine's things, I had decided to take it slow.
So now Christmas came and went and upon returning from my trip I decided I wanted to make a few more ornaments for the nieces and nephews and some pillows from some of the shirts that had team logos on them so I just thought to myself all his stuff can stay in the closet until I finish those. It made sense to me at the time but in reality I had already taken out of the closet what I needed for that. To add to what I am now realizing was avoidance I am finding more projects to do. I have lists of things that are important to get done before I leave on my vacation but I was actually having a lot of trouble getting those things done. I think all of it was a clever disguise. A procrastination for dealing with the inevitable. I had to reason with myself. If I don’t deal with Blaine’s things now… when do I? And do I want to be uncomfortable until I do? This releasing of his things has been nagging in the back of my subconscious for almost a year. For me, as much as it was going to hurt, I just knew it was time.
Instantly the tears started to flow and so I got a new Kleenex box and filled up my water bottle. These are two things I know I need when these grief bursts hit. I cannot tell you how many Kleenex boxes I have gone through in the past 14 months! I got a bag and I started to put things in it as I cried. I kept going. I kept putting them in and as I filled each bag I could feel the energy shifting.
I started to put in his shoes and slippers and his hats and each time I put something in the bag I cried and it was gut wrenching and so painful but I just knew I had to keep going. As sad as the process was, it was also methodical and honoring and just an outright appreciation of all we had shared and a loving remembrance of all the love and dear memories that those things represented. I also started to put some of my own things in the bag. Things I used to wear to school. I thought about how I was letting go of some things that my husband owned and some things that I used to wear but I was certainly not letting go of the love, the memories or any part of the essence. I think it is comforting to keep a couple things to remember someone by as long as they bring happy memories and they serve a purpose. I saved a couple of shirts for pillows and a shirt to use as a paint shirt as I have started to paint this week (that is another story) and I thought to myself, what a great way to make use of one of his shirts doing something I love! I also know that clutter creates such a negative energy that it can have a huge effect on every area of our lives. If you have never read Karen Kingston’s Clear Your Clutter it’s a really good read and I strongly advise it. Until we release, we cannot expect to have any room for anything new that we want to bring into our lives. If we are not making use of something it is actually a really good idea to let it go because the effect on your energies can actually affect your overall health.
Now I am not saying that this is easy my friends. It about killed me to put that stuff in the bag. However my soul and my spirit knew it was time and my higher self and I dare to say Blaine himself made it very clear that if I wanted to embrace my life going forward I really needed to let go of things that no longer serve me and that included all his things that I would never ever use. A friend of mine told me that when she let go of her husband’s things she asked her husband to direct those items to those who would need them and so I took her advice I said a special prayer after dropping those things off that they be distributed in such a way that they will go to good use for those who really need them.
Grief is very individual. The whole process of releasing is very intimate and personal. I cannot tell you and nor would I suggest that this is the only way to let go nor would I give you any time frame that you have to do it in. I share this because it is my journey and from someone who has been through an incredible loss I know how important it is to have acknowledgement that none of this is easy and it is an ongoing process until it isn’t. No one knows the road ahead and no one can predict the journey or its length. If you are one of those people who have experienced the pain of letting go I see you. Make sure you give yourself the time and the space to do whatever feels right for you. If you are one of those people that has been a little impatient with someone who cannot let go then I hope that this helps you understand how very difficult this process can be. It is like a piece of you is breaking off when you do it and it is certainly not for the faint of heart.
Please know that I am here. After all, I know how important it is for our healing to share what we are living no matter how hard it might be for us to share, or for others to hear. It is the only way we can really bridge the gap of understanding and help the healing of grief to occur. We do heal. One day at a time. As my grandmother said many times, little by little… little by little…We have to take it one step at a time. Listen to your heart and with love and compassion, do what it says.
Comments