Why is it that saying goodbye can be so damn hard? Even when it is something that I know is the best thing for me I still find goodbyes so hard. Even when I know there will be another season of camping and the trailer is staying right there and I will be back. There is this lump in my throat that hurts and I don’t know what to do with it.This has happened every year since I can remember. Shutting the camper down for the season has always been so very sad but this year seems so over the top. All I can do really is swallow hard or cry.
When I look towards the future it requires I say goodbye to the past. Perhaps it is harder because everything has changed and I really still have no idea where I am going. Do any of us really know where we are going? I mean really. Sure we have plans that we make for what we will do and how our lives will play out but what I am learning all too well is that plans have to be flexible because at any given moment we can be faced with something that will change everything. Sometimes we judge change as good or bad. Deep down I know things in life happen for me, not against me even though sometimes I cannot imagine how.
I have always seen myself as someone who embraces change. Now I find myself taking a really hard look at the changes that have occurred in the past year and a half.I feel the anticipation of coming up on the anniversary of one year since Blaine passed. So much has happened in the past year that I can barely keep track of it all. So many big events. The wedding and the birth of my grandson are two big ones. I have the most amazing grandson and the wedding couldn’t have been more beautiful. Yet part of me was still wanting to mourn the fact that Blaine could not be physically here for either. I can be sad about that but eventually I know that I am the one in control of my thoughts and looking back with pure fondness and joy is where I want those thoughts to be.
Just over a week ago I held a little get together online. I had sent out an invitation through my email list to anyone who wanted to meet and just be together in this space where our grief could be acknowledged and healing could take place. It turned out to be a very special event where we were able to hear each other’s stories and take away little nuggets (actually pretty profound nuggets) of wisdom. One of the participants described her grief as a portal, a door or a gateway that lies before us that we make the choice to move through. I thought this was a lovely description. I can really relate. She added that we can choose to not step through that gateway. I was thinking how we can continually try to just go back but it just prevents us from enjoying all the opportunities that lie on the other side of that portal. I believe it is the fear of moving through the portal that makes us stay stuck in reliving the past.
In that same get together there was another participant who described the passing of her spouse as compost for her future. I thought about that too. There are always a couple of ways to look at things. We can look back and regret what is over and continue to just bring up the memories over and over and stay in sadness and remorse or we can look back on them as the fuel that gives us the strength, courage and energy to move forward. Eventually I think we learn to look back on the memory with a smile, not sad that it is over but glad that it happened.
Thoughts affect emotions. It is easy to get caught up in thoughts of sadness, helplessness and despair over what was. I think it is because when we turn towards the portal we have no idea what lies ahead and we get really scared. Our minds go back to what we already know and what felt comfortable in the past and therein lies the continual loop we can get stuck in. I feel this happening to me over and over right now. I start to think about the future and for a split second get excited about what I might create and then get slammed back into fear and start thinking again about the past. I am doing my ultimate best to first of all recognize when I start feeling this happening and then get busy changing my thoughts. Writing and speaking my thoughts seem to help me process my thinking so much more and so I am grateful that I can find places to share with others that understand what I am going through and that there is this practice of giving and receiving by sharing with each other.
I am finally learning that it all boils down to asking one big question. What do we really desire? Do we want to continue to live in a past we cannot bring ourselves to say goodbye to or do we want to continue to make new memories free of sadness and remorse? Do we want to live a life of pure joy, happiness and love? In each moment we have the power to feel into what we want for our future. I was thinking, I really just want to laugh again. I want to laugh so hard the tears run down my face and I can’t stop. I want to feel free. Free from the suffering of the past and free from any negative thoughts. In order to do that I can see I will have to let the past go. I have to say goodbye to the suffering and the pain and the loss and the fear. I have to embrace the memories from my past, cherish them and use them to fuel my future and bravely step through that portal. That is my choice. Thanks to so many that walk with me in this world and in the spirit world, I don’t have to do it alone. The beautiful thing is that in my mind at any moment I choose, I can envision Blaine, along with all my other guides and angels walking ahead of me, shining a light so I can see, comforting me when needed and encouraging me to say goodbye to what was and to continue moving forward as they can see and know the direction I am wanting to go and they are excited to show me the way there.
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