Self Confidence and Judgement

Yesterday I found myself in a situation where I was trying to park my car in a tricky spot. I wanted to back into the spot because I knew when I left it would be dark and it would be easier to see driving forward with headlights. The roadway was at a strange angle and so it took a bit of maneuvering to get the car lined up properly. As I was backing in. I heard my critical voice judging my competence. I could feel my body stiffening as I backed in just fine with no incident. As I was carrying out the process I was also thinking about who might be watching and judging me. That concerned me a bit and in a meditation, I ended up reflecting on the bigger picture. 

I have never had a lot of confidence driving. Blaine always drove. We married very young. I had just turned 19 and he was 21. On the farm/ranch kids grow up learning to back up big trucks and trailers. When I married into the farm and ranch life, I quickly realized that these skills were something you acquire over years of practice. I often felt quite like a fish out of water when it came to driving and that never really changed. Regardless of the reasons, I now realized that this lack of confidence in driving was just a small part of a much bigger wound.

This situation (likely with the help of the energy of the eclipse coming on) forced me to look at where I need to continue to build my self - confidence, especially since my loss. I am noticing it in some of my relationships with family and friends. The judgments and stories we tell ourselves or that are told by others tend to be rough and inflexible self-criticisms. The brain ramps up our emotions because it is supposed to in order to keep us safe. We are supposed to be on the lookout for danger. That’s human nature. Even so, we do have a choice in how we respond to those emotions. Sometimes, instead of accepting and facing our truth, we elect to change our story to suit those around us.

I find it hard to be vulnerable and okay with making a decision knowing others may judge or criticize. I completely understand my hesitation though. I know in my past I have been in the company of others where I have happily told my story only to be corrected or sometimes even ignored. Have you ever told someone about something you are excited about in your life only to have them tell you all the reasons why you need to do it differently or it’s not the right thing? I believe I am not alone in this. I get it. Others think it’s their duty to protect you somehow and they know better. Or they are just not interested. You might decide they know better. Your mind decides it’s not safe and so you put your head down and get quiet. You feel silly for even mentioning it. It doesn’t feel safe to be alone so you conform to the group you are in. You might even try to make everyone around you happy and in the process lose yourself. You decide not to carry out your dream. Your mind offers you up to consider how humiliating it would be if you didn’t take their advice and then you fail. So fear sets in and you abandon your own happiness. I have found myself in these situations many more times than I care to admit. I know many of us have.

A good friend told me, when you have seen it, you can’t unsee it. I see where the problem lies and I know how it is affecting me. I actually have known this deep down for a while. I am noticing my tendency to worry about looking bad, being wrong or receiving some kind of criticism. Now I have a choice. I can just continue to allow myself to play small in these situations like I always have. This is indeed the space where I feel most comfortable since that is where I have been most of my life. I am starting to recognize which situations take me to a space where I feel small. What if in those instances, I instead chose love? Love for myself. What if I chose to love all of me. Even the parts that others don’t agree with or like. Can I love myself enough to either lovingly let go of relationships that are making me uncomfortable. Can I learn to set compassionate boundaries where needed? I could take responsibility for those voices in my head and make choices to speak my truth or I could choose to expend a tremendous amount of energy on keeping my truth to myself and regretting it. When it comes right down to it, if we cannot be ourselves, then what are we doing here? 

So my friend, if you find yourself resonating with this, let’s make a pact. Let’s start to take control of our situations and relationships in the most loving way possible, first for ourselves and then for everyone else around us. Because when we are sitting in our power and own truth, we allow those around us to do it as well. That is a beautiful thing. We now know what we know and it is our job to make the choice. Shall we?