Thinking of You on Mother's Day

Last year was my first Mother’s Day without Blaine. It was probably one of the bigger tsunamis that hit me after my loss. Looking back I think it was a day that I just wasn’t ready for. I think in the back of my mind I was thinking well I am still a mom… that hasn’t changed any. I just hadn’t thought all the way through the significance of the day for Blaine and I together and how special it was because of Blaine. I wasn’t ready for the emotional wave that poured over me and it took me right out!

Blaine and I had two beautiful children. First was Curtise. Yes it is spelled with an “e” at the end. There is a whole story around that. It has made his life a little more awkward probably than needed… nevertheless. We also had a beautiful daughter who we named Whitney.

They are amazing kiddos. I tell Blaine all the time, even now. Wow, we are so blessed! They both have wonderful partners and now I have a grandson who is almost 11 months old and a granddaughter on the way soon. Blaine wasn’t here with me to meet our grandson, our first grandbaby. That part was so sad. Curtise and Jennifer did tell us they were expecting the day before Blaine passed and he was able to congratulate them in person which was special. My grandson carries the name Benson Blaine and that is dear to me.

There are many ways that we can become a Mother figure in someone’s life even if we are not what is typically considered a Mother. I have been “Mom” to some very special pets in the past and certainly now I have some “grand” fur babies that I love very much and spend time with. There are also people out there that mentored us like a Mother. Maybe an aunt or a grandparent or a really close friend or neighbor. Those people are important and nurturing in our lives.

Being a Mother is the most rewarding and heartbreaking experience I know. We develop such an attachment to those young ones even before they are born, perhaps even before they are conceived. It seems like a good day or a bad day can be totally dictated by the child. It is beautiful to watch them grow and celebrate each milestone with them. At the same time we cry the tears as they grow up because that’s the way life is. Nothing ever stays the same and we are always letting go of something in the past. It is always changing.

Mother’s Day can be a tough one. It is a beautiful day of recognition for many Mothers around the world and it is a dreaded day for many who have lost a child, are estranged from their child or perhaps never had a child. It is also hard for those who have lost their mom. I have had some time to think about what this day really means to me now. Before I share that, I believe that embracing the day in the way that we uniquely desire to embrace it is hugely important. We have the choice and if we allow ourselves to do with that day whatever feels right in our hearts, we cannot go wrong.

Mother’s Day for me now is a day about me and also a day to celebrate the spirit of Motherhood whatever form that might take. I plan to celebrate Mother Earth by going out and spending time in nature. Celebrate whatever moms out there I know by letting them know how special they are. Send a card, a text, make a phone call, write a letter or send a treat. That is what I have decided. Blaine is not here on this earth and I cannot change that. Like so many other things I must learn to feel this one out for myself. The important thing to me after last year is that I make some kind of plan. Even if there is a plan A, B and C to have some flexibility built in. I just don’t want to walk into that day without a clue. I am giving it some time and some thought. That’s just me. How about you? How will you spend Mother’s Day? Now sometimes that is the hardest question there is. Sometimes we don’t even know what we want. Perhaps then it becomes a day to think and dream about what we really do want. Not just for Mother’s Day but any day in the future. What are your dreams?

People who know Blaine well know he used to tease me a lot about how “Every Day is Mother’s Day”. When I think of that now I realize that in spirit, maybe he was right. Everyday could potentially be Mother’s Day for us. How special are we all? Very! None of us are any less notable than any other either. It is the love that we spread around the world that makes us beautiful and the ability to receive love from others too, including ourselves, that makes all our days special and amazing. I will be thinking about you on this Mother’s Day in whatever way you desire that to be. I hear you and I see you and I am reminding you just how very special you truly are in the eyes of those here on earth and most certainly from up above. You are so very dearly loved.