Today I am feeling compelled to reach out after a couple weeks of hiatus. Good to be back! Coming off the summit, a wedding and the family reunion something happened. I am sure perhaps many of you have experienced this. The big events were done. My family had gone back home. After a couple months of having company and something to prepare for, it all was gone. It was so quiet. Too quiet!
It is in these periods of quiet that one is forced to change gears. I had to slow down and in grief sometimes we resist that because it is in these quiet times that we must reflect. Not that reflecting on these events was negative. All of the events went as good or better than I could have ever imagined them to go. These events left joy, love and peace in my heart. However, going back home to an empty house after the reunion seemed to bring on a melancholy feeling that I now know so well. Grief. But also at the same time a feeling of being wired but tired.
When I feel like this I don’t want to slow down. I was having so much fun and enjoying my time but when I was forced to sit and contemplate what I was feeling I just knew I was tired. Not just physically tired, but mentally tired also. Again, I was upset about the fact that I was alone. I could have called someone and arranged some kind of meeting but that’s not what I needed. It reminded me of something one of the grief coaches said in one of my summit interviews. He said someone in his support group had expressed one of the worst things about the loss of their spouse was the fact that they missed someone to do nothing with. I remember thinking that is so true! Here I am back to everyday life just hanging out and passing the days with absolutely no one to do that with. It is a lonely feeling. I consider myself very fortunate to have the amazing support that I do. The kids are close and I have a new grand baby too! But sometimes you just want to hang out and do nothing and just sit and relax with that special person. That is a tricky space to be in cause that person is just not physically here to do that. So just another thing that I needed to feel and experience. Yet, another thing I needed to heal.
I decided to head out to the park. As you all know by now the Cypress Hills has been my go to for many many years and even though Blaine is not physically there to spend time with me, and that can be hard, I feel like it is still the place I go to heal. There is something about those beautiful shaded paths covered with trees that call me back there. So I walked. I had many very interesting and beautiful connections with animals in the park. A rabbit, a pair of robins, a fox and a deer. Not the type of connection where you just see them. The type of connection where your heart connects with them and you get that feeling of wonder. It’s almost as if you can hear them talk to you and feel their essence. Where they just sit there and they see you and they stop and they stare and then they come closer, and closer towards you and you feel like your heart will pop out of your chest. That is the kind of connection.
The therapy I get out in nature is profound. The energies are pure and the thing is, nature is all around us. It is easily accessible. Even my backyard provides a haven for me when I am feeling low. After a week in the park, running out to Duncairn to see Sheldon and Whitney on the weekend was also healing. Looking out across that beautiful body of water is powerful. The sunsets are unbelievable. Getting out in the sun is just the medicine that I need to refresh my soul. The kids and I went out to Lake Pelletier last night for supper after a boat ride in Duncairn. I don’t remember the trees being so large and beautiful back so many years ago when I was last there. Another beautiful place to be. We just soaked it all up.
So for now, this is how I will do nothing and recharge the batteries. As I get more used to being that person that hangs out with herself occasionally, hopefully I will find more comfort on those days where I find I just need to relax and do nothing at all. Now though, after a week of nothing, it is time to, as Blaine says, “step on the gas”. I have ideas incubating that I feel like I need to act on. All this because I was forced to take the time to do nothing. There is an ebb and flow to it all. I am sure there will be more days like these. Perhaps I will get better at finding the balance. As summer turns to fall, I will start to come up with new ways to entertain myself and perhaps realize that there are times when it is not only okay to do nothing, but beneficial. I might refer to it as the space of “no thing” and all possibility (a phrase one of my healers uses). With time and patience I am sure this space will continue to heal me in ways I do not yet fully understand. Until next time, all the best for a fabulous couple weeks ahead everyone!
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