Who Needs Me?

Something many of us dream about is retirement. We dream of being finally free from the obligations of work and free to do whatever we want whenever we want. I imagined this time too. It’s when I planned to tackle all the projects that I had been longing to do. Time to start up some creative adventure, travel, read some books or learn some new skill. Well here I am in that place I guess.

Since Blaine has been gone I have to say I have really tried to embrace life. I am a grandma now. My kids are both married and have started their families and I am close enough to visit them every day if I want. I started travelling and reading books. I have picked up my guitar a couple times only to put it down again. I have learned a great deal about spirituality and energy healing. I have a burning desire to write and as a new addition, somehow out of nowhere I have been thinking I want to paint. Some of these things I figured I would chase when the time came to retire. Getting an in depth knowledge of grief was not something I expected to be doing in my retirement but I have chosen or maybe been forced to embrace that too.

There are a few people who have asked me if I am enjoying my retirement and if I miss my job. Well it’s a hard question to answer sometimes. My retirement does not look anything like I thought it would because I had planned it to be Blaine and I together. I have over the past year started to try to define what my retirement will look like. I have taken a good run at a lot of ventures without him. Each time I attempt and succeed in doing something on my own I feel like I am building a bridge to my own freedom. I would describe it as being really awkward and hard sometimes. It is sometimes an uphill battle. Maybe it looks easy to people looking in from the outside. It has been anything but easy.

Just yesterday I took a full day shopping trip in Medicine Hat all by myself. I have gone by myself before but usually it is a quick run in and out for something specific. Usually I meet my cousin for lunch or something. In the beginning she would drive me around, then I graduated to driving while she did the co piloting. It was a huge support for me as I adjusted to driving around the city alone. Blaine often did the driving and so I was and am still getting used to navigating places on my own. Thanks to the GPS I can get places otherwise I would be completely lost. It was a good day all in all. I didn’t have a lot to do but I had things that were going to take a lot of time and so it was nice to have the freedom to just do what I needed to do. There was no rush. The only thing that was holding me back was my own stamina. It seemed my feet, back and body just complained a lot but that is a whole other story.

The shopping trip went well. I got all the things I had set out to do. I had only one little emotional trigger when I was looking at the Christmas Cards and saw one there that said “to my wifey”. Blaine used that term a lot. It took my breath away as these things sometimes do and then I quickly moved on to other things. I had my lunch in the car by myself and my supper alone in the food court in the mall. I got home and unpacked my things and collapsed into my chair and turned on the TV which I don’t generally do but I was tired. In hindsight that might have been me numbing something because when I got up to go to bed I realized that something was not okay. Suddenly I felt a very strong emotional discomfort.

I have been pretty good at digging up the source of emotion and analyzing my thoughts. Sometimes I have to talk myself through it out loud and sometimes I feel like a crazy person and this time it took a while but I realized that I was questioning, not what I needed but if I was needed. I know I am needed in the sense that people need me to be around as a mom, grandmother, friend, etc. I get that, but there is something more. I miss being needed as a coworker and as a wife, as Blaine’s “wifey”. I miss having someone tell me what to do next. I am honestly tired of making this shit all up myself. I mean if I don’t do the dishes, the laundry or if I eat a whole bag of chips and three chocolate bars no one would know. I don’t even know if anyone would really care until it got so out of hand that it required an intervention. The only one that is keeping that in check is me. I realized I am not used to not having someone around to tell me what to do. Someone to keep me accountable and make sure I am on the right track.

So who really needs me? When all is said and done, if I closed my eyes today a lot of people would miss me, sure. But who really needs me? Like needs me in the day to day, hour to hour minute to minute. After considerable thought I have decided no one… but it is me that needs me. What? Really if I don’t have me I am screwed. There are a lot of people that can help me and support me but if I can’t count on myself then holy crap there is going to be issues now isn’t there? I am the one who decides to be miserable or to be happy. I decide what my house looks like, what I do, what I eat, what I say, who I meet… all of it. No wonder I am exhausted sometimes. That is a lot of responsibility and a lot of work making sure I take care of myself especially this past year in my grief. It’s not as easy as it looks. It is actually really hard! It would be so much easier to have someone just stand here and tell me what I should do. I might not listen… I know I didn’t always listen to Blaine or my bosses at work (sshhhh). Sometimes it was a good thing… lol! But I think I enjoyed having that constant feedback and check in from my husband, from the people at work, from my administration, from students and parents, from all of those sources. Now there is no evaluation but mine. I am not even really all that sure what I should expect of myself. If I was to give myself a report card what would it look like? I suppose I could ask people how they think I am doing but in the end does it really matter? Not really because in the end the only person who truly knows how I am doing is me. Now I can see where some of my behaviors are stemming from. Let me explain.

There is a part of me that feels very alone. I have been living alone for a year now. I have been finding my stride as a widow (ugh I am still not fond of that word). I have been gradually getting stronger and stronger. I am able to stand on my own two feet. I have been moving through the grief and I feel a strong connection with Blaine a lot of the time and so I am not sad and overcome with grief like I was a year ago. Something else just seems to be nagging at me. I have been trying to structure and schedule my day somehow. I want to (well some part of me wants to) incorporate things like wellness, practice, and things I like to do into my day. You know like I get up, have my tea, do my yoga, paint, maybe create some music, write something, etc. Like I feel like if you don’t schedule these things they just don’t happen so it seems like the one that has been at school her entire life needs a schedule. Doesn’t that sound like a great plan? Make a schedule? Like that is what retirement should look like right? I might even like to set up a consistent wake time, sleep time and all of that. I know until now, even if I make up the schedule something keeps me from carrying out the action that I made for myself. Who stops me from following it? Me! What the hell? Do you see the issue here? There is no one here but me!

Well there you go. This is my dilemma. Part of me feels better for just coming fully to that conclusion which might seem pretty silly to someone from the outside looking in. I have no answers except that now that I have had this revelation perhaps I will be able to figure out how to deal with myself. I have a couple of days of not one friggin thing planned so we will see what I do with that. Maybe I will make a schedule and maybe this time I will follow it, or not! (crazy face emoji with tongue sticking out) If you have suggestions to help me out of my own demise let me know. Good “grief”…. Until next time.